Parents. They nurture, mold, instruct, and guide their children into becoming everything they can be. Sometimes, mothers and fathers take this drive to extremes and become controlling rather than granting their kids the right to make mistakes and learn from them, choose the wrong path and find their own way back, and go off on a journey of self discovery and return a more whole and satisfied person.
My parents fall into the latter category. They are very controlling and extremely judgmental toward me. They have told me what to do and not do, who to be friends with, who to date, where to work, what to wear, how to clean my house, arrange my furniture, manage my finances, etc. If they would just give me some space to make decisions, make mistakes, and learn from the consequences, I would be much better off for it. As it stands, I still seek their approval and try to make them happy and proud of me.
This needs to stop now, because they only person who needs to be happy is me. I need to proud of myself, like myself, and love myself. I need to be the only person I am ultimately setting out to please. Should anyone else be pleased with my performance or how I live my life, that is a bonus. Living my life of my parents, by my parents, and for my parents is not working for me now and hasn't been for years. They need to cut the apron strings and stop their controlling, helicopter-parenting strategies.
NOTE: In my parents' defense, I highly doubt that they realize just how controlling they really are and can be. Also, I don't think they tell me what to do because they think I am incapable of making the right decisions. However, they do fear that I won't make the decisions they think are best for me. I think my parents try to control and strongly influence me out of fear: baby boomers tend to fear change and I know they are scared of losing me in any more ways than they already have (religion, which is a big one in their eyes).
My parents forced me to attend church with them when I reached the age of reason, saw through the brainwashing, and starting asking a lot of questions of my Sunday school teachers (most of which they could not or would not answer). For 12 years, until I moved to Florida to finish my B.A., I continued to fight with my parents and rage against my force-fed religion every Sunday. So, my parents made me a deal: go to church with us, do not complain, and you may choose where we eat after church every week. So, they bribed me with food, I ate whatever I wanted, and became obese. Is it any wonder then that I tipped the scales at 200-205 lbs. by age 19? Food was evidence of my parents' approval and love. I still struggle with emotional eating to this day, because it was so heavily reinforced at home.
At age 32, I officially came out as Atheist to my parents. Now, they request my presence at church by giving me the option to attend. There is no more forcing or coercing me, but there are occasionally guilt trips such as, "We talk about you to people at church and they want to meet you." I usually go, because I do enjoy meeting their friends who are generally very nice and a pleasure to talk to. I enjoy older people, so I go for that reason. I feel liberated that I don't have to pretend to believe anymore, but I see the heartbreak and fear in their eyes. They have "lost" me.
In October of 2007, my parents started telling me that I really need to get a Federal job since I was moving to the DC area. They enumerated all of the benefits, programs, investments, advantages, etc. of working for the Federal government and told me stories of their own careers: my father was career Army and my mother worked for US. Department of Education, US Department of Agriculture, and the Federal Aviation Administration. They had some great experiences and some not so great experiences, but they persevered and were now GS-12 or higher, respected, and accomplished government employees/retirees. They wanted me to follow in their illustrious footsteps. After hearing those same arguments and suggestions, I caved and started looking for a Federal job. In June of 2008, I took a position with US Customs & Border Protection. I hated it! I was miserable from the start! The job was nothing like what I was promised. About 18 months later, I resigned and felt like I could breathe again. I told my former boss, "I just gave myself a 'Get out of jail free' card." Never again will I take my parents' career advice, because what works for and excites them professionally is nothing close to my idea of the perfect job.
Currently, my parents are struggling to come to terms with my desire to dye my hair pink. "How did they find out?" you may be asking yourself. Well, the truth is that I told them. Since they will be visiting me for a few days before my birthday party for which I wanted my hair to be hot pink, I felt it a courtesy to give them a heads up so as not to induce shock upon answering the door when they arrive. I further explained that it would not interfere with my current work since I work from home part-time and take care of a puppy part-time and the puppy's owners won't care about the color of my hair. As I cannot seek full-time employment until after the Spring semester ends on May 15 due to my class schedule, that would give me about two months to enjoy my gorgeous, hot pink hair with no worries. Instead of listening to my explanations or even really hearing me, my parents took 3 whole days to discuss my plans in detail, and write a very long list of the reasons, "we sincerely hope you do not go through with this."
1.) If you do not need it, do not spend money on it.
2.) It will make your professor lose respect for you, see you in a different light, think less of you, change his mind about writing you a letter of recommendation.
3.) People will stare at you.
4.) It won't wash out.
5.) What if you hate it?
6) What if the sequestration means you have to find a job soon and you can't dye it back to normal?
7.) Your hair could fall out.
8.) We don't understand why you want to look abnormal.
I know there are more reasons forthcoming, but here are my rebuttals so far:
1). It is my money to spend as I see fit. I am not on your payroll.
2.) If my professor loses respect for me due to my hair color, then he never really respected me in the first place or for the right reasons.
3.) Yeah, people are going to stare at me, because I will take pride in my appearance.
4.) I don't want it to wash out. I will wear this color joyfully.
5.) I have wanted this for several months and have a referral to a reputable, friend-tested and approved, experienced colorist and my friends' hair is testament that he does excellent work.
6.) If I have to find a job soon, I can have a wig-wearing friend or two help me pick one and teach me how to wear it well. I will make do with that until it is safe to dye my hair back to a corporately acceptable hue.
7.) See #5 above.
8.) With all due respect, you do not have to understand my desires to let me express them. Rather, just give me the space I need to be the independent, creative, and unique young woman you raised me to be.
I am a grown woman on the cusp of 35 and only now am I putting my foot down to stop the dysfunctional relationship I have with my parents. I seek their approval and love, but they act like I will only receive love if I am doing what they want in order to gain said approval. If this is really the case, then their love for me is dependent upon me being their puppet. That's not the kind of relationship I want. That is why I broke free of religion. If God will only love his children when they do exactly what He commands them to do, then God's love is conditional. Love of one's children should always be unconditional, right? I suppose that's why I love dogs so deeply and strongly, because they love unconditionally and intensely unless given a very good reason to take that love away.
My parents probably think that they love me unconditionally. They should, too, regardless of what I choose to look like. Would it really be so bad if their straight-A student who volunteers her time to feed the world's hungry children and has a heart for animals so large that it may burst through her chest at any moment had hot pink hair for a few weeks? Would it really change their opinion of me so fundamentally that they would take their love away? If the answer is yes, which I do not think is the case, then their love would be conditional. Every child deserves unconditional love and should have it in abundance.
I wish there was a magic wand I could wave over their heads that would make them give me the space I need to be the person I want to be in all respects: beliefs, values, appearance, character, etc. I am getting closer to who I want to be as I get older, but I still have a long way to go. Having my parents support and love would be nice, but is not necessary for my journey. As hard as it would be to have to defy their wishes for me, as they young people of today say, "I gotta do me."
Have you ever been in a situation where your parents were overprotective, controlling, etc. in an unwarranted way? How did you deal with it? What was the outcome?
